Jokes

[spudmonkey]

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Ross Perot are on a ship when it is sinking. Perot orders for all women to head for the life boats. Bush says screw the women! Clinton says "Do we have time?"

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, "What do you do with all of those?"
The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them and now he shits in little plastic baggies!”


There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
''It was there. You should have!''

Condom Brands
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
McDonalds Condom: One Billion Served.
Energizer Condom: It keeps going and going and going...
Bandai Condoms: Action Satisfaction.

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?" The kid embarassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

Getting Old
There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.
"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.
A couple of weeks before, his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"
So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.
A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.
Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

A lady walks into the local record store.
"Do you have Jingle Bells on the old 12 inch?" she asks.
"No, but I've got dangling balls and a 7-inch," says the smartass behind the counter. The lady thinks for a second.
"Is that a record?"
"I think so. I'm only 14."

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:
CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
Blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON, blah, blah, YOU AND I, blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW.

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"

One day a little boy wrote to Santa saying “Please send me a sister.” Santa wrote back saying “Send me your mother.”

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

President Bush wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House window and sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine. Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found. Later that day the FBI agents return.
"Well sir," says the first agent, "the urine has been analysed and it's the Vice President's". Bush goes purple with rage and shouts, "Is that all?"
"Well no sir," says the agent, "It's the First Lady's handwriting."

"The O.J. Murder Trial" by Dr.Seuss
I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, not anytime.
And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!!

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"
The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"
"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"
"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

Things Found Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Yo mama’s so fat, when she stepped on the scale it said to be continued.

Yo mama’s so fat, she’s the reason they declared world hunger.

Yo mama’s so ugly, when she was in labor the doctor asked which end!

Yo mama’s so nasty, Red Lobster kicked her out for bringing her own crabs.

Yo mama’s so big, every time her beeper goes off, people think she’s backing up.

Yo mama’s like a shotgun, 2 cocks and she’s ready to blow.

Yo mama’s so poor, she strips at Chuckie Cheese for tokens.

Yo mama’s so fat when she skips a meal, the stock-market drops.

Yo mama’s so fat that when she wore high-heels, she struck oil!

Yo mama’s so fat she sells shade in the summer.

Yo mama’s so fat, the last time she seen 90210 was on the scale.

Yo mama’s so poor, she chases a garbage truck with a grocery list!

Yo mama’s so hairy, when you were born, you almost died of rug burn.

Yo mama’s so poor, she goes to KFC to lick other people’s fingers.

Yo mama’s so stupid, that when she heard there was a change in the weather she ran outside with her purse.

Yo mama’s so fat she makes Godzilla look like an action figure.

Yo mama’s so dumb, she sold her car for gas money!

Yo mama’s so dumb, she tried to drown her pet fish.

Yo mama’s so dumb, when she filled out her job application and it said ‘sex,’ she wrote “not lately.”

Yo mama’s so dumb that she got locked in the bathroom and peed her pants.

Yo mama’s so fat, she has to make a long distance call to talk to herself!

Yo mama’s so fat, she has to use a telephone pole as a tampon!

Yo mama’s so fat, the president declared her the 51st state!

Yo mama’s so fat, when she jumps off the high dive, she shows up on radar!

Yo mama’s so fat she has to call Sherwin-Williams to paint her toenails!

Yo mama’s so fat, you use can her thong as a hammock!

Yo mama’s so fat, when she ran away they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Yo mama’s so fat, she got busted in the airport for having 200 pounds of crack.

Yo mama’s so fat, when she joined the army and the soldier said head for the trenches, they all jumped in her butt crack!

Yo mama’s so fat that she got baptized at Sea World!

Yo mama’s so fat that when she bends over, we go into daylight savings time.

Yo mama’s so fat, she broke the family tree!

Yo mama’s so fat that, when she was bungee jumping, she took the whole bridge with her.

Yo mama’s so fat, a bus drove by and she said, ''Stop that Twinkie!''

Yo mama’s so fat, she stepped on my cat’s tail and now I call him "Beaver"

Yo mama’s so fat that her driver’s license says, "Picture continued on other side."

Yo mama’s so fat she broke wind at a cookout and started a forest fire.

Yo mama’s so ugly, she looked in the mirror and her reflection ducked.

Yo mama’s so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.

Yo mama’s so fat, even God couldn’t lift her spirit!

Yo mama’s so fat that when she asked, “Why is the grass always greener on the other side?” everyone replied, “Cause you aren’t standing on it.”

Yo mama’s so fat she needed a hula hoop for her wedding ring!

Yo mama’s so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.

Yo mama’s so fat she jumped up and when she came down she knocked the earth out of orbit!

Yo mama’s so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.

Yo mama is so stupid, she thinks Limp Bizkit is a medical condition.

Yo mama’s so fat, she sat in a monster truck turned it into a lowrider!

Yo mama’s so fat, when she rides her motorcycle by law she has to put two red rags in her back pockets and a sign on her back that says 'Oversize load.'

Yo mama’s so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.

Yo mama’s so fat, when she tried boarding Noah’s Ark, Noah yelled out the window, ''We only need one of those!''

Yo mama’s so fat, she trims her nose hair with a weed whacker!

Yo mama’s so fat, her picture fell off the wall!

Yo mama’s so fat, you can swim in her bellybutton!

Yo mama’s so fat, she has a tattoo of the United States on her chest and in the corner it says ''actual size.''

Yo mama’s so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes.

Yo mama’s so fat, she took up pages 41, 42 and 43 in her school yearbook.

Yo mama’s so fat, when she wanted a water bed they put a blanket over the Pacific Ocean.

Yo mama’s so ghetto, she puts food stamps in a money clip.

Yo mama’s so hairy she makes bigfoot look shaved.

Yo mama is so poor she eats cereal with a fork to save milk.

Yo mama’s so old, I told her to act her age and she died!

Yo mama’s so poor she can’t afford to pay attention.

Yo mama’s so stupid that she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.

Yo mama’s so stupid, she stole a free sample!

Yo mama’s so stupid, she has a glass door with a peep hole.

Yo mama’s so stupid she sent you to rehab because you were hooked on phonics!

Yo mama’s so ugly, even the garbage man won’t pick her up!

Yo mama’s so ugly, the only thing she's ever turned on is the TV!

Yo mama’s so ugly, she took a beauty nap and slipped into a coma!

Yo mama’s so ugly, when she was born her mama said, “what a treasure,” and her daddy said, “yeah, let's bury it.”

Yo mama’s so fat, when she told me her weight I thought it was her phone number.

Yo mama’s so fat, that she uses the refrigerator for her lunch box.

Yo mama’s so fat, that when she left her home country the population dropped by 10 percent.

[rl93]

that dosent make sense becouse the bible was written after jesus died

[frogy]

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?" The kid embarassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

Lol thoose are great... Next time don't copy them all from a web page though, pick out the good ones...

[spudmonkey]

actually there not all from one web page my friend sent them to me so i thought i would share them with yall, and there rl93 i fixed it and from now on i will ask you about all my religous needs rofl

[saladtossser]

grandma was giving directions to her grandson who was coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow, pust button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, thats sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

"Your coming empty-handed?"

i copied that from readers digest

------------------

when this thread reach page 15, i'm gonna start a poll to see whos joke is the best

[dentlauncher]

Yo mama’s so fat, It took 3 busses and a plane just to get on her good side.

[)DEMON(]

The poster of the best joke will get spudbux.

[rl93]

any more jokes

[)DEMON(]

I found this sight: http://www.funnyhumor.com/cats/1.html this is staight from the web sight:

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

[rl93]

tight pussy that took me a minute

[benstern]

Q- What Would You Call A Mexican Gigolo?
A- Juan For The Money!

alex bennett that is not how you friggin tell that joke!!!

3 guys, an American, a Canadian, and a Mexican have been on the road for days and were starving. Seeing a farm, with hundreds of fruits they run up to the fruit baskets and start gobbeling as much as they can.

Just then, the Farmer comes out and says: "Ok, I'm in a good mood today, so I won't kill you...instead, you must stuff 100 of your favorite fruits up your but...WITHOUT laughing...."

So, the American is up first. He choses cherries and reaches 78 before bursting out laughing. The farmer then shoots him.

Next is the Canadian who chooses grapes. He reaches 93 but starts laughing so the farmer has to kill him too.

When the Canadian and the American arrived up in heaven, an angel asked them why they laughed.

They both replied, "We saw the Mexican with watermelons."

Why did the blonde become so excited?
She discovered she could use Right Guard under her left arm...

[Urban Ninja]

A guy goes into a bar and orders 10 shots of vodka, the bartender gives him a wierd look and says why so many? The guy replies I just found out my son is gay. The next day he goes into the same bar and orders 20 shots of vodka, the bartender says whats wrong now! The guy replies I just found out my other son is gay. The next day the same guy goes in to the same bar and says 30 shots of vodka. The bartender walks over and says, come on! Doesnt anyone in your family like women? The guy replies, Yeah my wife.

I remember reading it in the 'little book of Drunk Jokes'.

[Vice]

When's it time for bed at Michael Jackson's house?
When the big hand is on the little hand..

What's blue and comes in brownies?
A cub scout

Why do dogs lick their balls?
Because they can

How do you know if a polish girl's on her period?
She's only wearing one sock

Why did the condom fly across the room?
It got pissed off

What's a japanese girl's favorite holiday?
Erection day!!

What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog

What did the leper say to the hooker?
keep the tip

What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?
Arrested

[rl93]

well'i guess thats it for jokes

[singularity]

found this on bbspot a while ago i thought it was pretty funny so i thought i would share

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)